Put On Your Suit
by old-fashioned villain
Summary: A series of Steve and Tony POVs as they battle Loki, each other, and their feelings in the Avengers. Rated for safety (for now). Caution: elements of extremely fluffy and gloriously gay. Steve Rogers/Tony Stark. Some Steve Rogers/Peggy Carter and Tony Stark/Pepper Potts.
1. Prologue

**Note from author: I have no idea where this is going right now. I just thought of the idea yesterday and decided to give it a shot. It's probably been written before...I have never written any Marvel characters before, so it may be clumsy. I also have issues with updating frequently, so beware. But otherwise, please let me know if this is even worth continuing. Thanks!**

"_Put on your suit. Let's go a few rounds." _

"He's a stupid, arrogant, selfish _boy_," Steve thought angrily. "He thinks his toys can protect him, can make him important. He is nothing, he is an empty shell hidden behind an elaborate façade. _Millionaire, playboy, philanthropist_? Yes, and a fool. A fool like Fury, who thought that bringing him here was a good idea. Doctor Banner knows what he's doing, and Stark just plants dissent among us."

"But he was right about S.H.I.E.L.D.," a small voice whispered in his head. "He was right all along." Steve shook his head to shut the voice off. His rage was building up inside of him ever since Tony Stark "welcomed" him during his mission to capture Loki. And the tense atmosphere in Banner's lab was not helping his self-control. Everybody was screaming and pointing at each other, accusations made left and right. Steve knew he needed to watch Banner, to make sure he didn't…but he couldn't turn away from Stark.

* * *

"_Put on your suit!"_ Captain exclaimed.

"_Yes,"_ Tony nodded struggling to his feet. There was fire all around them, metal shards peeling away from the walls and raining down on them as they staggered down the hall. Tony felt Captain's arm around his waist helping him stand. He tensed but brushed it off in his hurry to get to the Iron Man. Tony was angry, angry with Fury for lying to them, angry with Banner for not believing him in the first place, angry with Natasha for siding with Captain, and angry with Captain…because he was right. He was nothing without his suit. But he couldn't allow them to know that. Tony wanted desperately to throw some accusatory remark at Rogers for his troubles, but he knew there was no time for that.

And yet…

"_There goes keeping Banner in a stable environment. At least it wasn't my fault this time," _Tony muttered under his breath. He couldn't help it. Before he could blink away his smug grin, Captain pinned him against the wall with his elbow at his throat to prevent him from getting away. "_How dare you_…" he exhaled.

* * *

Anger was pounding violently inside Steve Rogers' skull. Was _that_ how Banner felt before he turned? Steve Rogers had always been the one to maintain perfect control of any critical situation and to keep his head where others lost theirs. But somehow, Tony had threatened his core balance and triggered such rage as Steve didn't know he had. Even now, with Hulk on the loose and with Loki's minions attacking the ship, _he just couldn't hold his tongue. _Steve felt a sudden urge to punch that smug expression off Tony's face. He would fight back, Captain knew, and that would compromise their safety and the safety of everyone aboard this ship. But Steve couldn't just let it go. He's gone too far this time. He took a series of shallow breaths trying to clear his head. Tony was smiling, _smiling_ even now…And then, compelled by an impulse as sudden as his previous fit of rage, Steve leaned in closer to Tony's face and planted a kiss on his lips letting all the anger in his veins flow through his mouth into his, hoping in that brief instance to convey his pain, his annoyance, his…surprise.

What was he doing? Steve pulled away a mere second after he started. He stepped away from Stark letting the man sink to the floor to regain the breath he undoubtedly lacked with Steve's elbow at his throat.

"_So this is what it was about then_…" Tony muttered.

Steve didn't know how to reply to that, so he just turned away smoothing the fallen strands of hair back into place.

"_Get your suit and meet me outside_," he finally managed before rushing off.


	2. Peggy Would Have Wanted

"_What does it look like in there_?" Tony's voice crackled through the speaker in his right ear. Steve stared at the panel trying to concentrate on the electrical circuits, wires, and buttons in front of him. The situation was critical: everything was on fire, Banner was destroying the ship from within, Natasha was injured, and Loki was probably out of his cell. And yet Steve Rogers couldn't focus on the task at hand.

"_Captain?_" The voice was barely discernible through the mechanical noises in the speaker. Captain America wished Stark would just shut up.

"_It seems to be running on some form of electricity_," Steve finally declared into the speaker. It was not the most intelligent of answers but it was the only way to get Stark to be quiet. It allowed Steve thirty seconds of thinking time. He could feel the memories biting away at the edge of his mind – the pain, the grief, the terror. These flashbacks came over him sometimes, suddenly and unexpectedly and buried him beneath crashing waves of sorrow. Of all the things in the world, his chance encounter with Tony Stark reminded Steve of Peggy. His Peggy…why would he think of her now? He supposed the chaos of war surrounding him could have triggered the memory, but he knew it wasn't the fighting or the surge of adrenalin in his body. It was the kiss. Those bare seconds he had shared with Tony Stark brought back memories of his first kiss with Peggy. And the realization made Steve even angrier than before.

"_See that red lever_?" Tony was screaming into the speaker now, his voice full of sarcasm as usual. "_It'll slow the rotors down long enough for me to get out. Stand by it, wait for my word!_" And so Steve went for the lever just as the doors or whatever remained of them flew off the frame with a sickening crunch. And in came the soldiers. Steve's instincts kicked in before he had time to assess the situation. He twisted, turned, jumped, then grabbed someone's weapon and began firing. His training did all the work for him, which allowed him enough time to think…

No, he wouldn't do that. Not now, not when everything was at stake. He was on a mission. He was saving the world. Peggy would have wanted him to concentrate.

Steve often played that mind game with himself. Peggy would have wanted you to get up, Steve. Peggy would have wanted you to fight, Steve. He decided that's how it must have felt to bury a loved one and keep on pushing. That's how _she_ must have felt.

Twist, turn, jump, and fire.

Steve would always be faithful to Peggy, he decided that day when he woke up in the 21st century New York. He was a soldier, so he would do what he did best. He would fight for his country, he would win, and some day he would die. It was a routine he knew well, a routine he had prepared himself for all of his life…until he met her. But now she was gone. Sometimes, Steve was glad of it. He couldn't picture any other life for himself. But he also never thought of betraying her. And that's what it was, wasn't it? By kissing Tony he betrayed his Peggy, _didn't he_?

"_Cap, need a lever_," Tony was back in his speaker. He was grunting and cursing in his ear as Steve pulled up his body over the edge. He hadn't even noticed that he was holding on for dear life. Bullets came whistling past his ear.

"_Lever, now_!" For a split second, a wave of fear washed over Steve. He wasn't going to make it. Tony was going to die in those rotors just like Peggy did _because he couldn't make it_…

He put all his strength behind the push and jumped for the lever. Next thing he knew, Steve Rogers was lying among the metal shards as the Iron Man came whooshing past him into the man who had been fruitlessly trying to shoot him for some time. And just like that it was over. The ship was back in the air and the last of Loki's men was dying next to Tony's iron machine.

Steve staggered towards Tony and pulled him to his feet.

"_Nice work, Cap_," Stark declared. "_Almost got me killed_." Steve just looked at Tony. Tony looked at Steve. And in that moment, they shared a mutual, unspoken agreement that they will never speak of what had happened earlier. Yet somehow, Steve didn't feel relieved.

"_Agent down_," Fury's voice whispered in his ear. "**_Coulson is down_**." Captain America and Iron Man stared at each other in disbelief and ran.


	3. What Are We?

"_Is this the first time you've lost a soldier_?" Steve demanded almost aggressively. He was the perfect captain now wearing his sparkling boots and his determined expression. He was radiating the aura of heroism, duty, and sacrifice. Tony hated him when he got like that. Yet behind the soldier façade, Tony sensed grief and confusion and pain.

"_WE ARE NOT SOLDIERS_!" Tony exploded turning on his heels. Why couldn't Steve understand? Fury dragged them all into something none had signed up for. Tony didn't come here to bury good men or to carry the burden and blame on his shoulders. Tony didn't come here to make sacrifices. Captain America was the hero. He was the man to sprint into action, to fight for the cause, and to make the sacrifices. That was_ his_ job. Tony knew he was right all along: he was anything but a soldier. But ever since Fury called Coulson's death, Stark felt the blame for Phil's downfall creeping slowly up his spine. Surely, if it weren't for his discovery of S.H.I.E.L.D's weapon arsenal, the crisis in the lab could have been avoided. If only Tony didn't push, if only he did what he was asked and walked away…but that wasn't in Tony's nature. He simply _had_ to prove himself right once again. He had to be the smartest man in the room, and Agent Coulson paid the price. Tony wasn't used to this game of self-blame. Normally, he would have brushed it off or found someone else to hold accountable…anything to avoid this miserable state of mind.

Captain was looking straight into Tony's eyes now as if searching for some hidden meaning, for an answer, for something…

"_Then what_ are_ we_?" He finally asked, his voice almost a whisper. "_We are just men_", Tony wanted to say. "_We are oddballs, outcasts, mutants on the edges of society and we were meant to be put to good use_." But he knew that wasn't what Steve was really asking. What_ were_ they, really? Tony sighed wishing he could answer. They had shared something small and fragile, something intimate and personal amidst the chaos of war and death and neither of them knew how to handle it. Part of Tony wanted to crash whatever it was that had taken root in his heart. After all, he never wanted this. Captain initiated something that was never meant to happen. Tony felt guilty for it, too, thinking of Pepper somewhere in Washington. He was never good with relationships, yet Pepper had stayed with him through it all. He couldn't betray her like that. She deserved better. She had known of all the women he had had before her, of course, and of most of the women he had while with her as well, and she handled it well. But physical pleasure seemed somehow different from what he and Steve had shared.

Steve was looking at him now, his eyes pleading. Tony didn't know what he wanted him to say. Should he tell him that it was an accident incited by the fear and anger and excitement and they both just happened to share those feelings? Should he tell him that it meant something more, that it was a seed sprouting roots and that they must cut it at its core? Or should he tell him the truth…that he had no idea what it was that had happened between them and that he wished it did not but now that it had he wished it would happen again? Tony stepped closer to the taller man and laid his hand gently on his shoulder. "_Now is not the best time to…we need to focus on Loki. We need to stop him_."

"_There's never going to be a good time_," Steve seemed annoyed at Tony's lack of meaningful response.

"_Well, I don't know, all right_?" Tony grew irritated with the whole situation. He tried to be patient with Steve but clearly patience didn't run well between them. "_You dragged me into this!_"

"_I dragged you into this_?" Captain raised his eyebrows incredulously. _"You didn't exactly seem to object, you know? Don't just blame me for this! It was kind of a two-men situation!_" Tony could tell that Captain was angry. Well, Tony had every damn reason to be angry as well. He never wanted this. He didn't ask for another burden to bear. What was he going to tell Pepper should this come out? What was he going to tell the rest of the 'Avengers'?

Tony turned to walk away the way he always did – away from the problem and away from the responsibility. Steve made a move to grab his shoulder. Tony hissed in frustration and screamed, "_You want me to give you an answer, is that it? WELL HERE'S MY ANSWER_!" He went for a right-handed blow but Steve had anticipated it and deflected it easily twisting Tony's arm to the side. Tony grabbed Steve's collar with his free hand and kicked him square in the stomach. Steve doubled over grunting and then looked up presenting Tony with a perfect opportunity for a clear blow to the jaw that would knock him out cold. Yet something compelled him to drag Steve's face closer to his instead. Tony's mind was racing: he knew where this was going. He wanted it and at the same time dreaded it. He would only make the situation more complicated, but beating Steve up didn't seem like a good idea either. He had to make a choice before Steve could recover from the blow and fight back.

"_Here's my answer_," Tony whispered and pulled Steve's mouth to his. This time, both of them knew what was going to happen, so it went smoother than before. Tony held Steve's face with both hands now wanting to push him away and pull him closer at the same time. For the first few seconds, their mouths were just pressed together with Steve's hand groping for support from the rail and finding Tony's waist instead. Steve inhaled suddenly as the air flew back into his lungs after Tony's punch in the gut, but the small pause allowed Tony to better adjust to Captain's height and when Steve covered the small distance between their mouths again after his ragged few breaths, Tony allowed his tongue to slip into the other man's mouth and linger for a few seconds before forcing himself away from Steve. It took them a few seconds to regain their composure. Neither seemed to know what to say or do.

"_Loki…needs a power source_," Captain finally managed. "_If we can put together a list_…" He took a few steps away from Tony his eyes still fixed on Stark's mouth.

"_He made it personal,_" Tony declared looking anywhere but at Steve now. It was hard not to look at Steve. He had made a conscious decision that he wanted that man and it was difficult to stay away from him now. For a few short moments all the doubts and fears Tony had about his feelings disappeared and he was focused only on the softness of Steve's lips and his shallow breath and the weight of his arm at this side. Now, however, he was again lost and unsure. Yet Steve, who seemed to have regained his balance already, was smiling at him reassuringly even as words of Loki and his ploys came out of his mouth. And with the help of that smile, Tony believed, if only for a second, that it would all work out in the end.


	4. Regrets

**So this chapter is a really quick one-shot, but most of them have been written like that more or less. But anyway, thank you all for following and for the feedback, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story (more of which _will_ be coming soon), and please review if you can.**

* * *

"_Stark, you know that's a one way trip_, " Steve whispered trying to conceal his fear. But Tony was already bursting through the portal into the outer space swarming with Chitauris. Steve contemplated running, jumping, climbing, whatever it took to get Tony back safely, but he was on the ground among the ruins of New York City and Tony was thousands of miles in the sky. The entire team was looking at Steve expectantly, waiting for his cue to close the portal. It was so cruel of them to force him to make that call, but he had become as close to a leader of the Avengers as seemed possible with such a group of personalities and Tony Stark's death would be his burden to bear. Steve watched helplessly as a sudden wave of light enveloped the portal and heard a dull popping sound like a cork from a bottle…The bomb exploded somewhere in the parallel universe, when Clint gently tapped Cap on the shoulder and he finally gave the command.

"_Do it_," he spoke hoarsely into the mic, barely audible. "_Do it now_."

* * *

"_Sir, shall I telephone Ms. Pepper_?" Jarvis inquired as Tony finally released his grip on the rocket and allowed its momentum to carry it straight into the mother ship.

"_Yes, I suppose you might…_" Tony trailed off. He's never expected to die heroically like that. That was Captain America's job. It seemed a silly thing to regret not having said goodbye when a huge explosion flashed before his eyes and millions of Chitauris died screaming. The call wasn't coming through. It didn't seem unfair to Tony that Pepper wouldn't have a goodbye...after all neither would Steve.

"_Sir…_" Jarvis croaked, but Tony just closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift into oblivion.

* * *

"_He's not slowing down_," Thor exclaimed grabbing his hammer. Before he could so much as lift off the ground, Hulk bolted upward with a booming roar, grabbed Tony's limp body and collapsed to the ground.

Steve sprinted. It didn't matter to him in that moment what anyone might think. If there were even a chance to save Tony, he would do anything, anything…

He kneeled near the smaller man and lifted his Iron Man mask gingerly. Tony was unconscious and seemingly not breathing. Steve lowered his ear to his chest hoping, praying for a heartbeat. But the iron suit blocked any sound leaving Steve to claw desperately at the breastplate with no way of removing it. Clint and Hulk approached now, but Steve appeared blind and deaf to Hawkeye's call to leave Stark and to his attempts to drag him away. _He wouldn't cry_. Suddenly, Steve had so many regrets, so many wishes. He should have told Tony how he felt. He should have been with him. He should have held him. He should have kissed him. In his desperation, Steve almost reached out for the man's lips now, when suddenly a mighty roar knocked all air out of him. "ARRRGHHHH!" Hulk exploded directly at Tony's face. And just like that, Stark's eyes jolted open and he inhaled sharply.

"_What the hell_?" He panted. "_What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me?_" He demanded looking directly at Steve. But the soldier was too happy to register the awkwardness of the situation. He was beaming at Tony and grasping his hand.

"_We won_," he finally declared too overfilled with emotions to come up with anything else.

"_Alright. Hey. Alright. Good job, guys_," Tony declared weakly. "_Let's just not come in tomorrow. Let's just take a day. Have you ever tried shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don't know what it is, but I wanna try it._" He was babbling now whether from the lack of oxygen, the shock and the impact of his fall, or joy of being alive. Steve couldn't turn away from Tony's face. He was laughing and crying and nodding at the man's ridiculous suggestions, and praying that he would never again have to watch Tony go.


	5. Unspoken Questions

Steve excused himself from the table and ventured into the kitchen for another drink. As he waved Jarvis off and rummaged the cupboards for a glass, he heard footsteps approaching the kitchen.

All of the Avengers were gathered in Tony's spacious living room in the lower levels of the Stark tower that were left untouched by Loki's invasion. Stark had invited the team to celebrate the victory after a not-so-fortunate experience with shawarma in the local joint. When Clint doubled over covering Natasha's feet with vomit, everybody agreed that the Stark tower was a better idea. They were all laughing and drinking now but Steve was strangely uninterested. He'd been exploring the space for most of the evening under the premise of getting drinks or finding the bathroom.

"_You're missing out, Cap_," Tony spoke softly from the door. "_Banner and Thor made a bet. Natasha is beating Clint's ass._"

"_Let me guess, he's too drunk to resist?_" Steve chuckled.

Tony proceeded to the fridge, rummaged through, and tossed Steve a lemon. He pressed some buttons on the fridge door and a cutting board slid out from under the counter.

"_Knives are in the lower left cabinet_," Tony motioned while punching in another code. As Steve cut up the lemons, Tony produced a bottle of cognac tapping the label slightly. "1941" it read. Steve just shrugged. He had no particular interest in alcohol since sobriety was a side effect of his genetically modified body. He'd been drinking with the team all night yet felt no different.

"_You alright?_" He asked carefully as Tony took a long sip and bit into the lemon.

"_Yeah, yeah, I'm fine,_" Tony shrugged. "_It's not a big deal_."

"_Not a big deal?_" Steve repeated incredulously. "_Of course it's a big deal, Tony, you almost died out there_."

"_And why would you care_?" the smaller man suddenly snapped. He lowered his glass onto the counter and dropped his head in his hands.

"_Tony, don't get like that_…" Steve trailed off. "_You did a noble thing, a heroic sa_-"

"_Yes, a sacrifice for the good of humankind. You proud of me, Cap? You should be. That's what you'd have done, isn't it? A good little soldier that you are_," Tony muttered sarcastically.

"_What the hell is your problem, Stark?_" Steve exclaimed angrily. "_I'm just worried for you, I'm just trying to be sympathetic,_" he added quietly.

"_I don't need your sympathies, Steve_," Tony replied darting for the fridge again and returning with a whole bag of lemons. Steve watched hopelessly as he began cutting furiously at the fruit.

"_Tony, is there anything you're not telling me_?" he finally inquired.

"_Goddamn it, Cap, why don't you just back off_?" Tony retorted as lemon juice squirmed everywhere.

They stood in silence for a long moment with only the sound of the knife cutting through the lemon skins and hitting the board with a load thump. Finally, Tony flung the knife to the counter in exasperation and abandoned his futile task.

"_Pepper called,_" he confessed. "_She's flying back from DC tomorrow. She said she's worried for me_."

"_That's…that's good_," Steve uttered. "_I'm sure she'll be glad to know you're safe._"

Tony exhaled loudly and began pacing around the counter.

"_Are you blind, Steve_?" He finally shouted slamming his fist into the wall. "_Or just stupid? Pepper and I, we're_…"

"_I know._"

"_But what happened up there_," he motioned in the general direction of the sky. "_We can't…you, we're not…_" he trailed off helplessly.

"_I never pretended we were, Tony,_" Steve responded softly. The noises of the party grew louder as Thor's laughter boomed through the halls and Clint yelped in pain. Tony looked over his shoulder at the half-open door in alarm before facing Steve again.

"_Look, whatever happened between us, it wasn't supposed to happen_," Tony declared.

"_I know_."

"_And it shouldn't happen again._"

"_I know_."

"_No, you don't know, damn you_!" Tony slammed his fist again and again. Suddenly he realized what he was doing, stepped away from the wall and stared blankly as his bloodied knuckles.

"_They'll say I beat you up here_," he giggled at the absurdity of the situation. Steve waited for him to regain his composure before speaking.

"_Tony, if you want, we can pretend none of his ever happened and_-"

"_It's not about what I know, Steve. Look. It's been insane. We all need a break. I don't think the Avengers were planning to have Saturday beer reunions anyway, but I think it's best if we, if you and I didn't…hang out for a while._"

"_Right, of course_," Steve sighed heavily reaching for his jacket.

"_No! I didn't mean…you don't have to leave now_," Tony added hastily.

"_Let's not make it any more awkward than it needs to be, Tony_."

Steve pulled over his leather jacket and walked out leaving Tony to play nervously with his hands. He never really expected it to turn out any other way. After all, Tony had a life and responsibilities, the kinds of things Steve Rogers had buried in the ocean some seventy years ago. No matter. Steve had already spoken with Fury so he knew he would still have a place in the world after all was over even if it were as nothing but a soldier. Tony was right, of course, what happened between them wasn't supposed to happen…yet Steve felt wrong walking away from the unresolved tension and the unspoken questions. Tony didn't seem at all certain when he spoke of Pepper and of how they shouldn't "hang out" anymore. Steve would have laughed at the silliness of their exchange – like two five-year olds bickering in the sandbox whose mothers didn't want them to play together anymore – if it weren't for the sinking empty feeling filling up his stomach and working its way to his heart. As Steve pressed the garage level button and the doors of the elevator slid close behind him, he inhaled sharply and slammed his fist into the wall.


	6. Emotionally Compromised

**This one was tough to write because of all the emotional intensity of Steve's. I don't know, this whole story has been full of angst but somehow this chapter was more difficult to put into words. Anyways, enjoy the pain and please review. **

* * *

Steve stared at the cellphone in his hand. He still hadn't figured out most of its functions but he knew what button to press when it rang. It had to ring. Surely, they'd already seen the footage over at S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve inhaled and looked up at the TV screen glowing ominously in the corner of the living room.

_Earlier this afternoon, the residence of Tony Stark, the founder and former CEO of Stark Industries, in Malibu, California was attacked by an army of militarized aircrafts allegedly sent by the renowned terrorist, Mandarin, who is responsible for the many attacks-_

With a shaking finger, Steve pressed the mute button and sank back in his chair. His hands were trembling uncontrollably. He couldn't bear just sitting there in the safety of his apartment, while Tony was fighting this man alone.

If Tony was even alive…

No, he would not think that. Tony Stark had invented the Iron Man. Hell, Tony Stark had probably invented the weapons that were fired at his home. Surely, he could handle a few planes and a flimsy terrorist… Steve laughed out loud and heard noises that sounded almost hysterical come out of his mouth. He swallowed hard twisting his hands as he watched the silent footage replay the explosion of Tony's house again and again.

They said no body was found. Pepper had made it out alive – Steve saw her pushing away reporters and digging furiously at the debris around the front door of what remained of the house. They didn't show much of her before they began replaying the footage of the explosion, but they showed enough for Steve to know that Tony was missing.

_God damn it, why hadn't they called?_

Steve was sure that S.H.I.E.L.D would intervene. Whatever differences they may have had, Tony was one of Fury's most prized agents – after all he had invented most of their weapon arsenal before he switched over to the Iron Man. And of course they would call Steve in. They had to – who else was there? Natasha and Clint were away on a mission, Steve was certain. Banner couldn't possibly be trusted to work alone, and besides he was probably somewhere in Calcutta on a humanitarian quest again. It had to be Steve.

"_GOD DAMN IT_!" Steve cried in helpless fury as he sent the phone flying into the wall. Fortunately, it didn't fall apart. It couldn't have – it was another one of Tony's brilliant inventions. Steve dropped his head into his hands and allowed the angry sobs to reverberate through his body. He had to do something. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to Tony while he just _SAT IN HIS GOD DAMNED LIVING ROOM_.

Very quietly, the phone began to buzz. Steve scrambled to his feet, tripped, and almost went flying into the same wall his phone collapsed into earlier. Regaining his balance, Steve grabbed the phone pressing all buttons at once.

"_Yes_?" He finally managed in a hoarse whisper.

"_Captain_," Fury's voice cut through the speaker.

"_Yes_," Steve almost cried with relief. Fury would tell him he had a mission – a mission to save Tony, and Steve would set it all right. He would save Tony, he would bring him back home, and perhaps then he could tell him how he had felt ever since they parted what seemed like a decade ago in New York.

To be fair, Steve wasn't sure how he felt. He really just wanted a chance to speak with Tony again.

"_Director Fury, I request to be immediately dispat_-"

"_Captain_," Fury cut him off. Steve heard him sigh heavily. "_Stark's been compromised_."

"_I know, sir, I've seen the footage_…" Steve stopped mid-sentence when the full meaning of Fury's message reached his brain. "_You mean he's alive_?"

"_Yes._"

"_Are you positive_?"

"_Yes, Captain, you need to_-"

"_Thank God_," Steve exhaled. He had hoped,_ prayed_ that Tony was alive, yes, but there were no reports to refute his death, no reports that the terrorists captured anyone. It was nearly impossible for Tony to survive that explosion if he was still inside, and if he made it out alive, surely he would have been captured.

"_JUST LISTEN_!" Fury finally snapped. Steve felt a drop of cold sweat make its way down his back. Fury never lost his tempter unless the situation was critical.

"_He was wearing his suit and he was able to program it to take him to safety before he lost consciousness. We had estimated a location, but lost him within the hour. It appears Mr. Stark doesn't want to be found or assisted_."

"_But how do you know he's not hurt? Or captured? How can you be sure he had not been taken prisoner by Manda_-"

"_CAPTAIN ROGERS_!" Fury bellowed in his ear. "_You sound like an **anxious school boy**! GET A GRIP, SOLDIER_!"

"_I'm sorry. Director Fury, sir. I was worried for Stark. Sir,_" Steve replied coolly feeling the heat rising to his cheeks.

"_Look, Captain_," Fury sounded weary now. "T_his information is classified and not to be disclosed to anyone but those directly involved with the mission. I only called you to let you know Stark's alive before you sprinted off into the sunset to rescue his unfortunate ass_."

"_I understand_," Steve replied softly having finally regained some clarity of thought. "_Wait, sir. What do you mean 'only those directly involved with the mission'? I thought you were calling me in?_"

"_Captain Rogers, as I've already told you, Stark doesn't seem to require assistance. However_," Fury stated firmly before Rogers could interrupt, "_we will be closely monitoring the situation and should it become critical, we will be prepared to intervene, get Stark to safety or help him defeat the terrorist, whatever's necessary_."

"_So call me in, sir_," Steve pressed. "_Give me a location and I'll join the team. I'm sure Tony can handle it, but as you said, should the situation become critical_-"

"_I cannot authorize an agent who is emotionally compromised about the objective of the mission to participate, Captain_," Fury declared with a hint of softness in his tone.

"_Emotionally compromised_?" Steve choked on his words. "_I-I don't understand, sir._"

_"I think you understand very well. Look…we all know, Captain. I have no interest in this…delicate business of yours, but I cannot assign you to a mission where you will be incapable to perform fully due to your personal…issues_."

"_Sir, whatever _'issues'_ you think I may have…I can assure you that they will not impair my abilities to perform any mission_."

"_It's done, Captain Roger_s," Fury declared in a formal tone. "_This phone call is private and was not recorded by S.H.I.E.L.D at my request, so I trust none of the _classified_ information I have given you will be leaked_."

"_No, sir. Thank you, sir,_" Steve replied, defeated. Fury was about to hang up, but Steve inhaled and blurted out without thinking. " _Sir, if anything…if Stark doesn't make it_," his voice fell to a whisper, "_I would want to hear it from you before I see it on the news_."

"_Captain, such decisions will be made at my discretion if a need arises_," Fury replied coolly and ended the call leaving Steve to listen to the loud beeps in his ear as he collapsed against the wall and slid softly to the floor.


	7. He Needs You

Steve tugged at his suit one last time and pushed the door of the press conference hall open. The place was a mess. Rows and rows of cheap white plastic chairs arranged in a chaotic grid in front of the elevated platform that could barely hold the large, wide table that was meant to house the speakers and their little name placards. Steve tried to remember why the hell he had thought it was a good idea to come as he squeezed himself through the narrow space between the wall and the row of chairs filled with reporters, photographers and their terrifying equipment, and TV crews from all possible news channels. Finally finding an empty chair closest to the aisle – to escape if necessary – Steve scanned the room for familiar faces. He was really looking for one – Tony Stark, the reason he had come in the first place. Once he spotted Pepper in the far corner of the room whispering furiously to a security officer, Steve knew there was no going back now – Pepper was here, which meant Tony was, too.

Steve didn't really know why he'd come. He thought seeing his friend would ease his mind, but when he arrived, he realized it would probably do the opposite. Steve hadn't heard of Tony ever since the Mandarin attack on his mansion in California –well, he had heard that Tony made it out alive, which was all that mattered, but after that, silence. So when Steve found out that Stark Industries was holding a press conference open to the public – and that's the day before the long anticipated Avengers reunion – Captain had to see him if only from afar. He could have of course waited until tomorrow, when the infamous Avengers crew would occupy the very same building and hold a public "reunion" as Fury referred to it. They were supposed to entertain any and all stupid questions from reporters, play-pretend they were a happy team guarding the realms of men, and then go their separate ways. It was the one-year anniversary of the battle of New York and someone in the government decided Avengers' efforts required publicity to keep the people occupied. But Steve couldn't wait until tomorrow. He'd waited for months just to make sure that Tony was okay – alive, yes, he knew he was alive, but also okay. Steve was already in New York anyway, so he figured there'd be no harm in quietly observing Tony from a distance.

An hour later, the soldier found himself dozing off to the sound of yet another boring speech about the company's intention to improve the efficiency…hell, Steve had no idea what had been happening in the room the whole time. He yawned and looked around the room at the cameras and the noisy reporters with their little notepads wondering how Tony could stand all this. Suddenly a hush fell over the room – people began pointing and nudging at each other. And there he was – Tony Stark.

He staggered onto the stage his arm locked tightly in Pepper's firm grip. Steve stared incredulously – was he drunk? Tony proceeded slowly to the stage – if you could call it that – and lowered himself onto the chair. He looked thoroughly uncomfortable and ready to bolt at any moment. A pair of dark shades covered his eyes. Pepper whispered something into his ear and laid her hand on his forearm in a soothing motion. Then she stepped off to the side. Steve felt a pang of - relief? jealousy? guilt? - he _felt something_...a small sore spot in his heart beginning to ache again. He was glad Tony wasn't alone - he had Pepper to support him in whatever he may be going through. But at the same time, Steve wished he could there by his side, too.

Angrily, Steve pushed that thought away trying to concentrate.

One of the other men was speaking now – Captain couldn't make out his words, nor did he care to. His attention was entirely on Tony. He realized the man wasn't drunk when he pulled off his shades and threw them carelessly on the table. Yet there was something in Stark's eyes that frightened Steve. Tony looked exhausted. His hands were trembling as he typed away on his tablet completely ignoring his surroundings. A man in a grey suit leaned over to him and whispered something. Tony looked to Pepper who gave him a small smile. Steve could see now that she was the only thing holding Tony's entire persona together.

Stark cleared his throat and reached for the microphone.

"_Well, you're all here now and I don't think I can make you leave_," Tony started in his trademark sarcastic tone. The crowd responded with an enthusiastic chuckle.

_"Anyway, I don't have much too say – these guys summed it up for you pretty nicely_," Tony glanced over at the men next to him. _"Stark Industries will begin working on our clean energy project – I mean really working_." Tony paused suddenly with a sharp intake of the breath. Steve realized he was looking directly at him.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"_I'm sorry – excuse me_," Tony muttered and pushing past the security guards and the reporters crowding the foot of the platform, he sprinted for the door. Steve watched as Pepper made a grab for his arm whispering something frantically. Tony replied but kept walking – and just like that he was out of the room.

Steve didn't know what to do. He wanted more than anything to go after Tony, to make sure he was okay, but at the same time he was scared. Tony had seen him - he looked s_traight at him_ and bolted. Surely that was a sign he didn't want anything to do with him. But Steve knew Stark well enough to understand that if it were simply his distaste for Captain America's presence, he would have kept his tempter at bay. No, there must have been something else. Steve wanted to ignore the troubling look he saw in Tony's eyes and his irrational reaction to his presence, but he simply couldn't let him go. Not again.

And so Steve bolted for the door, too – past the reporters and the TV crews, muttering apologies as he pushed through the thick crowd already gathered around the remaining Stark Industries' board members…and straight into Pepper.

"_Captain!_" she exclaimed louder than Steve would have liked. She grabbed his arm and dragged him into the hallway shutting the door into the face of a particularly noisy cameraman. "_Thank God, you're still here_."

Steve looked at her, confused. Did Tony in his brief exchange with Pepper mention him? Or had she seen him in the conference hall earlier?

"_You have to go after him. He's in the men's bathroom. I can't go in – I mean I could but that gets the press and the last thing he needs is the press_."

"_I-I…I don't think it's a good idea for him to see me now_," Steve lowered his eyes realizing how stupid he was to have come at all.

"_Steve,_" Pepper spoke softly noticing the look on Captain's face. "_You're the only person he will want to see_."

Steve stared at her in disbelief. "_Ma'am, I don't think you understand…_" he trailed off. "_Pepper, he saw me and literally ran off._"

"_Look, I know what it looked like, but…it wasn't you, Steve_," Pepper sighed, reluctant to speak. "_He's been having these anxiety attacks since New York. They went away for a while after…you know about Mandarin, right?_"

"_Not the details, but I've seen the attack on the national news_," Steve flinched at the memory of the footage.

"_Well, they've gone away after, but then last month…they're worse than ever, Steve. He can't control it and the fact terrifies him. I don't know what triggered it today, but trust me, it wasn't you_." She was lying - Steve could see it. But the thought of Tony locked up in a stall or curled up in a ball against the wall somewhere prevented him from walking away now.

"_Just talk to him. It's about time you talked to him_," Pepper led him in the direction of the bathroom.

"_I don't understand_," Steve responded with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

First Fury, now her.

"_He needs you, Steve, truly. We…we broke up a few months ago, but even before…_" she looked up at Steve and grasped his hand. "T_hese anxiety attacks…his nightmares – they're not just about New York or the Chitauris…they're about you_."

Steve just stared, grabbing her hand for support. The room did a small spin before his eyes as he tried to process what he had heard.

"_You mean he…I…Pepper, I don't know if I can…I don't know_-"

_"Go. I'll be right here. I can take him home, if you'd like, but please just…make sure he's okay in there_," she pushed the door of the bathroom open and nodded encouragingly.

Steve looked at Pepper one last time searching for an explanation or an answer – why would she tell him they broke up now? what makes her think Tony would want him by his side and not her? what makes her think he'd want to see the soldier at all? - but received only a small smile and a gentle push.


	8. Breathe

_Stark, you know that's a one-way trip…_

Tony reached for the mic in his ear with a shaking hand. But there was no mic. There was no mic and therefore no Steve. Tony exhaled and rubbed his eyes. When was the last time you slept? Pepper asked. When? Two nights ago? Two days? When was the last time you slept since New York?

"_Tony, it's time to go_," Pepper held his arm gently and led him to the doors. "_It's only a quick thing – just be charming for a couple of minutes and you're free for the day._"

_Sir, shall I telephone Ms. Pepper?_

"_Right. Charming. Can do_," Tony mumbled and flashed Pepper his signature smile. "_Clean energy. Yeah, I got this_."

He stepped through the glass doors into the flashing lights of the cameras…

And with a blink of an eye and a twist to the lips, he became Mr. Stark, the all-important CEO or whatever the hell his title was now.

_Is this the first time you've lost a soldier?_

Boring. Boring. Boring. Tony had to remember to breathe. Pepper said breathing helped hold his panic at bay. He needed Jarvis now, so he could run the vitals scan and sass him about the way he'd dressed this morning. But there was no Jarvis, just like there was no Iron Man now.

_It seems to be running on some form of electricity…_

No, Jarvis was home. Jarvis was always home. He just couldn't carry him around anymore. Tony rubbed his temples again and stared blankly at his tablet. Clean energy. Wasn't he supposed to make some sort of statement?

_Agent down. Coulson is down._

Someone was whispering in his ear urgently. Tony vaguely remembered hiring this man a few years ago as a manager for some department or another. Did he promote him? What was his name?

_Tony? _

Tony forced himself to look around the room. Reporters, there were only reporters. There were no Chitauris lurking in the corners. The dark-haired young man yawning at the foot of the platform did not wear green or smile menacingly at Tony. All these were nightmares. They couldn't hurt him. They couldn't hurt Pepper. They couldn't hurt…

_Stark, we need air support._

Tony cleared his throat.

"_Well, you're all here now and I don't think I can make you leave," _he started. The crowd gave a half-hearted cheer. That was a good start. Shit, was he supposed to make some sort of statement? He looked over at Pepper, who smiled back. Why couldn't she just run the damn conference like she ran his company?

_"Anyway, I don't have much to say – these guys summed it up for you pretty nicely," _Tony continued. Who the hell were they anyway? Tony couldn't remember hiring any of them. He checked his watch frantically. He was supposed to take his pill half an hour ago. Pepper said they were useless but they made Tony feel somewhat in control of his condition. It was getting worse.

_Sir, shall I telephone Ms. Pepper?_

"_Stark Industries will begin working on our clean energy project – I mean really working_," Tony scanned the room hoping he'd said enough to leave the damn place. Someone caught his eye in the far corner of the room. The man looked so much like Steve…

_Tony? Tony?_

_Stark, you know that's a one-way trip._

_Do it. Do it now. _

_Then what are we?_

Tony gasped for breath. No, not now, please not now. Tony had to remember to breathe. Pepper said that breathing…

_Sir, shall I telephone Ms. Pepper?_

The lights were too bright. They were hurting Tony's eyes. They were so bright – almost as bright as the explosion wave from that missile. And there was so much noise. All these people were calling out to him. Someone was tugging at his elbow. They were so damn loud – almost as loud as the screams of the dying Chitauris on that ship.

"_I'm sorry, excuse me_," Tony bolted for the door. To hell with the conference – Pepper could do the work. He needed to get away – somewhere quieter, darker…He needed space. He needed space to breathe. He had to remember to breathe. Pepper said…

"_Tony? Tony? Are you alright?_" She was at his side now.

_Stark, we need air support._

_Tony?_

"_Yes. Anxiety…can't breathe. Bathroom_," he pushed her away and kept walking.

Finally, he was alone. The lights were dimmer and the noises fainter leaving more room for the screams inside Tony's head. He stared at his reflection in the mirror and saw the Iron Man instead. Breathing helped hold the panic at bay. Tony inhaled trying to reduce the pounding in his temples. These were just anxiety attacks, nightmares…

They couldn't hurt him. They couldn't hurt Pepper. They couldn't hurt Steve…could they? That was Steve in the room. It had to be. He looked so much like Steve. But what was Steve doing there? Had something happened? Had someone been hurt?

_Stark, you know that's a one-way trip._

_Agent down…Coulson is down._

_Then what are we?  
_

_Stark, we need air…_

_Sir, shall I telephone…_

_Cap needs assistance on the ground…_

_Stark…_

_What are we?_

_Tony?_

_Tony? _

"_Tony?_" Tony flipped around grasping the wall for support. There stood Steve – his Steve. He looked so real. But he couldn't be here…unless something happened. Oh god, had someone been hurt?

"_Who…you…you're not…what do you want?_" Tony managed trembling.

"_Tony. Tony, it's me,_" Steve called out gently from the door. "_It's Captain. Steve._"

"_You're not…no, no, they're just anxiety attacks, nightmares…they can't hurt me_," Tony was mumbling now, wishing for the apparition to disappear.

"_Tony, I'm right here. Tony, just breathe. Tony?_"

"_They can't hurt me…they can't hurt Steve…they can't_," Tony shuddered when someone softly touched his shoulder. Slowly, he opened his eyes to the painful light…and Steve. There stood Steve. He looked so real. His hand felt so real.

"_Steve?_" Tony finally came to. Steve was actually there, holding him by the elbow and telling him to breathe. "_You're…why are you here?_"

"_Pepper told me you weren't well. I just came by the press conference…well I came to see you_," Steve responded lowering Tony gently to the floor and sitting down next to him. Was Tony still seeing things and did the soldier blush?

"_Are you alright? Do you want me to call for a doctor?_"

"_No, they're just…I'm fine, I'm fine_," Tony responded. And he was. He could feel the wave of panic slowly subsiding. The screams grew fainter. The light didn't hurt his eyes.

And Steve was here. His Steve. He hadn't heard from him in a year, not since that night in the Stark Tower, when he just left. No, no, Steve didn't leave. Tony told him to go.

Stupid. Stupid.

"_Tony, Pepper will take you home, alright? They called off the press release_," Steve was saying now. "_Let's go_," he grabbed his shoulders and lifted him to his feet in one swift motion. God, he was so strong, that damned super soldier.

"_Pepper…we're not…we don't live together_," Tony offered awkwardly. Of course she had been babysitting him anyway even after they broke up, but for some reason, Tony didn't want Steve to know that now. "_Do you think…could you drive me?_"

Shit. Stupid.

Something compelled Tony to ask that question and he was ready to punch that something straight out of his brain now. Of course Steve would say no. After all, Tony had been a total ass and anyway…

"_Sure, of course, I'll drive you. Come on_," Steve wrapped Tony's arm around his shoulder and dragged him out of the door. Tony felt like he was floating…well he was, thanks to the height difference.

Pepper was waiting at the door. She looked extremely concerned. She always looked extremely concerned. Tony _hated_ that.

Steve murmured something to Pepper and she nodded. Tony's ears were still ringing and his head was swimming a little. Pepper handed Steve the car keys. Why did she have Tony's car keys in the first place?

"_Alright, Stark, let's go. I don't want to drag you down the stairs,_" Steve ordered in his Captain voice. And then, softer, "_Can you walk?_"

"_Sir, yes, sir_," Tony responded mockingly. Steve just smirked. Eventually, they made it to Tony's car. Steve kind of dumped him in the passenger's seat and then gracefully leaped over into the driver's seat. Tony protested meekly as Steve buckled him up with what seemed like ten different seat belts.

Steve glanced at Tony one last time before starting the car. He looked extremely concerned. Tony _loved_ that.


End file.
